As a 54 year old woman there are more than a few women in my life that have been diagnosed with breast cancer. Presently i have a dear friend going through radiation treatments and another about to undergo reconstructive surgery. So it is very much a part of my life.
i have Large boobs... seriously, they are 40DDD. Having a mammogram sucks because it is not easy to get a good shot of them, there is a great deal of smushing and rearranging, trying several times... so not happymaking. Though perhaps Everyone dislikes being squished.
Recently i had my now yearly exam, and was thrilled how quickly and mostly painlessly it went. i had almost forgotten about getting the results... except for this little nagging feeling i would have just before falling to sleep at night. You know the one when you remember that thing you are supposed to have done? Then the letter came. It said a load of technical jargon that basically meant there was a cloud on my breast scan that could be cancerous. My heart stopped. And i am quite sure then my blood pressure rocketed!
i called for an appointment for another exam and sonogram... the first available was Friday at 1pm, this was Monday at 3:42pm. Thus began a very long 4 days. It was a journey of emotion for me.
First, who are you supposed to tell? i am quite sure this is different for everyone, a very personal choice. i choose to tell my husband, and my dear friend the prayer warrior. No one else locally, or within my family... locally because little town, and i hate everyone knowing my business in the moment. My kids were not told simply because i did not want to worry them; they have not learned to "Wait to Worry"
Second, how do you make time move again? i mean it seriously seemed to stop in that moment of reading the letter. Yes it was moving forward around me, but i felt stuck. Honestly i felt like i was being pulled under into an alternate Universe... how the fuck is this happening? i just kept telling myself to breath. Before long i was living on two timelines; disbelief and Mom. As a Mom i just kept moving forward and taking care of Life and family. But at night, and when i was alone i lived in the disbelief zone.
Third, processing. i believed in my heart that i was ok, i knew i had not been feeling "off" or bad. For the past three months i had been really working on getting my body healthier. My gut told me i was going to be fine--- this was just a bump in my path, part of my journey, not long term. But there was still a part of me that was scared, so very scared.
Being in this place i did some really deep cleaning of my life. Some Soul searching. I cleared out anything i came across that was no longer aligned with the Life i wanted to live. i got rid of a bunch of actual stuff as well---Spring cleaning. The work i had put off, looking at the stuff that is hard or yucky--- i did that when i couldn't sleep. And i started feeling lighter, and it was easier to Believe that everything was going to be ok.
By Thursday night at midnight i was ready to sleep, really sleep. I slept hard, and woke refreshed and believing that it was going to be Alright. i did not know what was going to happen, but i knew i was going to be Alright. i could do this! Whatever this was going to be.
Time came to a slow crawl again in the Dr. office as i waited my turn, and then waited for results. But my head did Not go to a dark place. i was able to genuinely smile at the people around me, and even talk to the other women waiting in the room with me, all of us in those horrible hospital gowns. We are Warriors, all of us, simply because we had made it to this point.
My name was called, i was ushered into a room. "Your scans have been determined clean. You are ok..." And just like that time started again and breathing became habit. But now, long after that moment i am so Grateful for that time. I got myself clear and aligned with what i wanted. Saw how amazing my Life was; and i Know how lucky i am. God Bless the Warriors, may they all have the strength to get through. And oh how proud and amazed i am of All the women who have traveled much longer paths than i.
The thing i want to express here is this... Life does Not always go as we Hope or expect. There is some really shitty and funky stuff that happens... but for me there is Always a lesson in the middle of the yuck. This time i remembered to take the time to listen to my Soul and get clearer... Listening... that is so important.
Thanks for the wake up call Universe... ok Soul, we got it!